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| Matchsticks’ sticksman goes mental |
“Xterminador’s luckless keeper Lucker was carried off after ten minutes but our window-licking sticksman, Frodo ‘Gollum’ Bagger, went from strength to glorious madness.”
Manager Tony Brazil ushers in Gollum who stands awkwardly in the light, “here is the hero ladies and gentlemen, but let me first run through his achievements in this match. The first half was rip-roaring, five chances at either end, we scored one but Gollum kept our onion bag clean diving about like a good ‘un.
“In contrast the second half was cagey then we got a penalty on the 69th minute: Gollum strode forward to take it and hit it cleanly past their reserve keeper to put us two up. This was the first time he’s touched the ball since the restart and he loved it.
“The opposition gave up the ghost at that point, but if anyone thought Gollum was done with this game they were mistaken. On the 84th minute we got a freekick in a dangerous area and to everyone’s surprise Gollum came up and took it; he not only hit it cleanly but accurately onto the waiting head of Szaraz who couldn’t miss from there.
“So three nil against one of our title contenders and there was only one man of the match, Frodo ‘Gollum’ Bagger whose madness tonight may well have won us promotion. Now let the great man speak.”
Gollum stumbles to the mike and clears his throat, “it wasn’t my choice to be a goalkeeper when I first started out with a team in the Golden League. But I was too violent playing outfield so I was stuck there to keep out of mischief. Today I showed what I can do outfield and am hoping Mr Brazil will give me a playmaker role in midfield before the season end.”
Gollum ends by opening his arms, palms outward in a pose that asks ‘is it that so preposterous?’
The press stand up and applaud as Brazil smirks and mutters, “all keepers are nuts. Point proven.”
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