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| UKs wins again, sort of.... |
The noise in the relatively quiet courtroom became noticeably louder with a few oohs’ ah’s and the odd gasp when Shreks Elevens new signing Gareth Balotelli Bale strode into the courtroom dressed like a Vegas Hustler. Barristers donned their sunglasses to protect their eyes from the blinding flashes caused by the assembled paparazzi from around the globe.
The talented 18/7 forward had caused quite a stir in the media and among fans over the last few days, yesterday the papers lead stories were about the new 5 million “semi-detached” that he had just bought, with its Heli pad, swimming pool tennis court and all the rest that comes with your average family home. Today the headlines were about his appearance before the magistrates, charged with indecent behaviour and exposing himself in public.
The court rose as Magistrate Dick Hungwell entered the courtroom and the proceedings began.
“GD you are charged with indecent behaviour and exposing yourself in public, how do you plead?”
“non comprendo”
“How do you plead?”
“Prosciutto, salami, fontina?“
At this point it was decided that the lawyers from `Sue Grabbit & Runne` would answer all questions directed at GB and anyone else for that matter.
“Well?”
“Not guilty”
“Officers on patrol became suspicious when they spotted Mr Gareth cruising around Lady Chelsea’s School for Girls, Mr Gareth stopped and spoke to a number of girls on their way home, eventually one of the Girls a Miss Ivana Humpalot climbed into his car, 15 minutes later when officers approached the vehicle parked by the traffic lights outside Tesco’s, Ivana Humpalot was almost naked with her head between GB’s legs! How do you explain that?”
“A simple misunderstanding you honour, GB was on his way to training and mistook the school playing fields for Shreks Elevens training grounds, He stopped and asked a number of girls the way but never understood what they were saying, Miss Ivana Humpalot agreed to show him the way.”
“And why was she later wearing only knickers with 50 pounds tucked in them and her head between his legs by the traffic lights?”
“It was raining and he clothes were wet, being the perfect gentleman that he is GB turned up the heating and told her take them off to dry. He kept his eyes on the road the whole time, I believe Constable Iam Bent noted that Mr GB’s eyes were closed when the approached the car”
“And the 50 pounds tucked in her knickers?”
“That was to pay for the bus home, rather generous we agree but GB is a generous man and a perfect gentleman”
“And why did she have her head between his legs???”
“Ah that’s simple, GB dropped a car of ‘Cherry Pop’ Cola and it got wedged under the brake pad, he didn’t want to risk stretching any muscles too much so Ivana Humpalot bent down to pick it up, there wasn’t enough room and she had to put her head somewehere…”
“STOP enough of this nonsense do you really expect me to believe all this”
“well your honour we thought you might say thatso we would like to call a character witness, Ivana Humpalot’s Mother”
At this point UK’s who had until now taken no notice of the proceedings, pulled out a can of beer and grinning madly took a big swig.
“Ok who is the girls mother”
“Your honour we would like to call Sue Humpalot, alias Sue palmer, she has a lot to say on this matter and is not at all happy with way police have treated her daughter, she really does have a lot to say your honour”
UK’s pulled out the popcorn.
The magistrate’s faces went bright red; he clutched at his heart and appeared to be having trouble breathing. Sue Palmer had been before the courts a number of times charged with soliciting and other sexually related offenses, everyone knew she was UK’s bit on the side and it was rumoured that amongst her paying clients (UK’s never paid) there were a number of high ranking politicians, judges and such, she had never been convicted for some strange reason.
“Erm there is no need for that, I’m sure that poor miss Ivana Humpalot has been through enough already, without having to involve more members of her family. Case dismissed.”
The barristers donned their glasses again.
“Your honour we would like to settle damages for our Client Mr GB, we think 5 million would be about the right amount”
“I beg your pardon have you gone mad?”
UK’s picked up his phone and within seconds Sue palmer entered the courtroom, A blond blue-eyes bombshell with more silicon under her blouse than Apple use in 10 years of production. She waved at the magistrate and smiled….
"5 Million sounds very reasonable to me, granted"
… well Shreks eleven are a youth team, the hardly ever win at the moment, they lost again tonight in the cup. This doesn’t really bother UK’s much though, he doesn’t need to win on the pitch because he always wins off it!
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