“Steven Pepper, known in the dressing room as ‘Salt N Pepa’, scored Unfit’s equalizer and shook up this division once more,” manager Tony Brazil finds a 7-inch vinyl single and puts it on his turntable. The sound bounces around the conference hall and is unmistakeably Salt N Pepa’s hit ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’.
Brazil sits, morosely tapping his foot to the tune; in stark contrast to his normal response of throwing his hands in the air like he just don’t care. Brazil darkens, “I’ll be kind and say ‘Salt N Pepa’ has added even more spice to this division. But let’s talk about Paine, Constance Paine. She awarded her usual hatful of freekicks in the match, but most were for the away team which is not her usual style.
“In the second half I lay back and thought of Paine awarding us a penalty, but that was a pipe dream. In the end, late in the game, Conny Molin broke free and went one on one with the Unfit keeper. Fair enough Paine never blew for Molin being offside, so when he missed my hopes were shattered by our own incompetence. Sorry Mrs Paine, it’s not you it’s me.”
Constance Paine, who has been sitting silently through this press conference, expresses herself by blowing a smoke-ring in Brazil’s general direction.
Brazil punches himself in the face and grimaces, “pain is dropping from second to third in the table due to this draw. A win would have pushed us closer to the leaders Molde, in fact there would have been only a point between us as they managed to lose. Instead we’re two points off the drop zone, which Unfit have fallen into thanks to this result. Madness.
“But let’s talk about Men for a moment,” Brazil straightens, “our ratings today added up to 53, Unfit’s to 36: so the ability is pouring out of us, it’s commitment to the cause that’s the trouble. Are there some Men not fit to wear the shirt? The final three games will show what this team is capable of, and in this crazy division that could be going up, down or sideways.”
“Stop rambling Brazil,” drawls Paine.
Glad for the out, Brazil slumps into a chair. Sometimes Paine is a man’s best friend; she stubs her cigarette out on his arm and finally Brazil finds peace.
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