|
 |
| Get to know: Harald á Torkilsheyggi |
Please, huddle around quickly my friends and I shall tell you the tale of the greatest man to have an unspeakable name! He is a man of the utmost talent with a ball at his foot, terrifying when the ball is in the air, and unstoppable if he is breathing (and if he is not, I am not sure even death could stop him)! I speak of course of Harald á Torkilsheyggi, a proud demonstration that a complicated name will never hold you down!
Not much is known about the circumstances of his birth. It has been said by some that a puffin crossed over the bay of Breiðafjörður as a rainbow traversed the bay indicating the birth of a great footballer in a land near or far was imminent. Perhaps this is true, but perhaps it is not, but what is true he was brought into the world on a cold day in a land that was perhaps there but perhaps not. Some have said (some the same as who had said what was said before) he was born wearing an Umbro soccer kit…others claim he was simply immediately put into one following his birth. It is a point of much debate.
Of course, Torkilsheyggi didn’t initially use his gifts for soccer. Many remember his teenage years as the masked vigilante known as “The Name,” who fought crime in the streets of Ísafjörður. Though The Name apprehended many dangerous criminals, his aggressive techniques and brutal physicality caused concern among the local law enforcement, who ordered him apprehended. Though jail time seemed imminent, many argued that would be a shame for The Name’s impressive stamina and hand-eye coordination to go to waste. And that’s when local Ísafjörður resident Guy Flateyri had an idea.
Guy would make a hot sauce to honor Torki that would warm up the residents of Ísafjörður on all of those long wintry nights. The hot sauce, “Torkilsheyggi’s Bane” as it would come to be named, would burn the hottest of all the hot sauces. Made from a locally grown pepper indigenous to Ísafjörður called “The Northern Light” “Torkilsheyggi’s Bane” broke the Scoville Scale when tested. The first time he tried it Torkilsheyggi vomited profusely into the closest hot spring and proclaimed the sauce a master work unlike anything since the work of Da Vinci. To this day “Torkilsheyggi’s Bane” has been burning through anyone who dares take the Torkilsheyggi Challenge.
While his challenge has been tearing people's insides up, Torki's feet have been tearing up defenses from wherever he wants. After 263 matches with Playa Monos without even one own goal and the most assists in club history, Torki decided it was time to play for another team. Enter the Corgis. Harald has expressed his excitement in coming to play for this team saying he was sick of the beach-life and was ready for some real grit. He had been waiting his entire career to unleash some fury, so needless to say, opponents of the Corgis have been feeling their collective butthole tightens a little when he takes the field, ready to bite some ankles.
Of course, a grizzled old veteran like Torkilsheyggi can't play football forever. Though he has called Cambridge a "magical place," and despite an offer from Jesse Ventura to help him run for political office here, he insists he must head home after his playing career is over.
"You see, my people only live to about 42. And in my culture, it is custom for the males to produce as many offspring as possible before they die," Torkilsheyggi explained. "Otherwise it is considered a wasted life. Anyone who wasn't able to father at least a dozen children has all records of their life ritually destroyed or erased after they die. It's like they never even existed."
So it appears "Torki" has some inseminating to do, and at 35, will need to make up for lost time after he finally hangs up his cleats. But no matter how many spawn he is able to create, one thing is for sure: he will never be forgotten by the adulating Agility Trialists here in Cambridge.
|
|
2014-11-21 11:46
|
2405 Views |
|
Reporter:
Tiggyjosh
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|