"The party invitations to Bernies Weekend promised drunken debauchery so we had to remind ourselves this was, in fact, a football match, a match we had to win," reflects Matchstick Men manager Tony Brazil from his prison cell, "maybe we didn't remind ourselves enough.
 
"Our dressing room, when we got there, was full of beach paraphernalia plus jugs of cocktails and barely-dressed ladies ready to serve them. I knew their game," sneers Brazil, "so threw my team out to get changed in the corridor away from temptation.
 
"I stayed and it is true I sampled some of the delights though this is not the reason I was ranting naked on top of the dugout on the second minute of the match. My anger was due to Bernies Weekend's goalkeeper scything down our Hogg who had a clear goal-scoring opportunity.
 
"When Offasjed only showed a yellow card I was incensed and made my dirty protest demanding the death penalty for such an infringement. A crisis management team by the name of Baywatch coaxed me down and I was fine again until we scored two late goals to end the first half two-nil up.
 
"The second jug of Sex On The Beach is to blame, why it was in the dugout I don't know and I also have no recollection of my actions that led me to be incarcerated here on the Virgin Islands," laughs Brazil bitterly, "all I know is that without my guiding light in the second half, the home team came back to score twice.
 
"The end result was a two-all draw that does nothing at all for either club's hopes; us to win the title or them to escape relegation," Brazil is distracted by laughter from the crowd, "what's your problem?"
 
"Matchstick Men winning the league," crows a journalist from the local press, "that's the biggest laugh I've had in years."
 
Not for the first time, Brazil regrets being behind bars so he cannot physically respond to his mockers.