"Our early disallowed goal was pure torture here at the Tortuna against Tortuna Sportklubb in the cup," Matchstick Men manager Tony Brazil squeals from the rack, "and it was increasingly painful as we struggled to make our possession count.

"We were staring into the jaws of a nil-nil draw with the match lurching toward the seventieth minute," twists Tony Brazil, "then I pulled off a motivational master stroke. Whilst making one substitution I had the 'Mighty Quinn' Quintas warm up, and held up five fingers to Walton Grant indicating he would be off in five minutes.

"Walton had come on as sub himself a bit earlier and he signalled back with a familiar finger gesture," Brazil laughs, "I shouted 'no Wally not two minutes, five'. Bang on five minutes later Walton heads in our opening goal, then turns to me and again makes a two fingered salute. Due to the goal I keep Wally on the pitch and a few minutes later he scores a second and we win the game two nil."

Brazil untangles himself from the Tortuna rack, the wine rack, and struggles over with an armful of bottles of Fruktstereo's Grape Me, explaining, "it's enjoyable, tart and funky. Less of a wine taste and more like drinking a glass of strong cider that's been left out in the rain. Not that I know what that tastes like of course."

After taking a drink from his half-full glass, Brazil flicks a two fingered salute of his own toward Walton and laughs, "after the match Wally explained his gesture meant he would score two goals, which he did so what can I say? Let's hope he is still smiling when he finds out he's been docked two weeks wages - one for each finger!"

*This press release is sponsored by Fruktstereo's Grape Me fruit drink.